feeding my own misguided insanity

What part of: Put a Leash on that Monster, don't you understand?

On far too many occasions I’ve been accused of hating children and even the whole parenting experience. Once and for all I would like to settle this ridiculous matter.

Just because I don’t have any of my own doesn’t make me a child hater. I’m not quite sure of the logic behind the accusations but I’m going to bet it has something to do with a few comments I’ve made over the years.

I distinctly recall that during one dinner party I said that “children are parasites,” and on another that “the human race is a cancerous disease” – hell, I even wrote a post about it. Based on such comments, you could be excused for thinking I was against procreation and children altogether.

By definition, a parasite is: an organism that lives on or in an organism of another species, so calling a child a parasite serves only as a provocatively effective visual aid not a true depiction of children; although you must admit that there are some striking parallels.

I’m not going to deny it. There are days where I wish I could shut the little monsters up. There is nothing worse than settling down in a nice romantic restaurant only to be harassed by uncontrollable children running throughout. If they were only limited to the running, it wouldn’t be so bad. However, it’s usually accompanied by high-pitched ear-splitting screaming.

Let us now climb to 30,000 feet over the Atlantic. I’m well aware that children have problems equalizing their ears – typically toddlers – during take-off and landing; these are not the kids I’m talking about. I’m pointing out the ones who are two and three years of age but still act like toddlers. Yelling at the world around them, hitting the people beside them, kicking the seat in front of them – oh, no. Here I draw the line.

I always ask myself: “where are the parents in these situations?” Well, right there of course, totally oblivious to the unfolding events and shielded from it all by their excessively large noise-cancelling headphones. Yes, you came prepared, but how was any other passenger to know that your Satan-of-a-child would also be joining?

In both cases I blame the parents, (1) for taking them out of their restraints, and (2) for allowing such disruptive behaviour in the first place.

And don’t bother trying to use the “you don’t have experience with your own kids” line on me. I have plenty of friends whose kids are a pleasure to be around on any occasion. The blame I’m afraid, falls squarely on the parents.

A child – just like a badly trained dog – will never stay put unless educated to do so. Let’s face it, these days many parents are too scared to set boundaries let alone discipline their children.

While we’re on the topic of discipline (or lack thereof), I’m a great fan of kiddie leashes. Just clip the little monster in and you’re guaranteed a headache-free day out in public. If they won’t stay put on their own, restrain them.

There are some who think leashes should only be used on pets and not children. But I would argue that children under the age of 5 (sometimes even older) behave exactly like pets – or at the very least are treated as such. They get fed, walked, bathed, you clean up their poop, they run across the street without checking for traffic, they want to play with everyone and are constantly putting things in their mouths. I think that just about covers it. But if you still object to the use of a leash, let’s just call it a harness.

You see, unlike the traditional methods of yelling, pleading and begging your spawn to keep close, the beauty of the kiddie leash (err. I mean, harness) is that you only need hit the retract button once, and as if by magic, the child materialises at the base of your arm.

Little monsters or not, I’ve never been opposed to having children, provided you don’t go overboard and start to create your own clan – but don’t get me started on population control.

If one is lucky to find the right person, I think there’s nothing more beautiful than creating new life from the love you share for each other.

Ok, that sounded pretty girly – but you get my point.

And while I’m not inclined to go all “ga-ga” over somebody else’s kids, I’m most certainly going to do it over my own.

[artwork: “Kiddie Leash” – courtesy of Lawrence Yang at suckatlife.com]

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What part of: Put a Leash on that Monster, don't you understand?, 9.5 out of 10 based on 2 ratings

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5 Comments → “What part of: Put a Leash on that Monster, don’t you understand?”

  1. Thomas K 5 years ago   Reply

    I didnt know you had a blog!… Duly subscribed!

  2. Samir Azz 5 years ago   Reply

    In America there are two classes of travel – first class, and with children. ~Robert Benchley :)

  3. lucy radzikowska 5 years ago   Reply

    I agree :)

  4. Louise 5 years ago   Reply

    Ahhhh… a refreshing point of view. Couldn’t agree more!

  5. Todd 3 years ago   Reply

    What I can’t stand is the parents who THINK they are so evolved.
    but visiting friends and getting ready to leave:
    “Suzie could you pick up your toys because we’re going to be leaving?”
    10 minutes later
    “Suzie, could you please pick up your toys because we need to be going”.
    10 minutes later justification is tried:
    “Suzie, please pick up your toys because we have to get going because I have to work early in the morning”.
    10 minutes later a minor threat
    “Suzie, if you don’t pick up your toys we aren’t stopping at Dairy Queen like I talked about earlier”.
    10 minutes later:
    (while the parent is picking up toys and putting them in the box and the child is still playing with one toy) “come on now, I told you I have to work early in the morning, put your toys up”
    5 minutes later after the parent has put the toys away and is leading the child out the door: “yes, lets go, yes, we’ll stop at Dairy Queen now come on”.

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