Ordering food at Maxlot Hotel in Accra, Ghana
Ordering food in some West African countries requires a certain approach and decorum. The most important thing to remember is that the menu is never representative of what is available in the kitchen; and even though the wait-staff are agreeable and seem to be able to deliver anything you ask for, it usually pays to double check.
*I enter the restaurant*
Shem: Can I order something up to my room?
Staff: Yes sir.
*I look through the menu*
Shem: Great, can I have the Avocado Salad?
Staff: Yes.
Shem: Do you have avocado?
Staff: I’ll check.
*disappears behind a door, then promptly comes back*
Staff: No, sorry.
Shem: Ok, can I have the Mixed Tropical Salad?
Staff: Yes.
Shem: Do you have Mango?
Staff: I’ll check.
*disappears behind a door, then promptly comes back*
Staff: No, sorry.
Shem: Hmm, what do you have?
Staff: You can have the tomato and cucumber salad.
Shem: Ok, that sounds nice. Do you have cucumber?
Staff: I’ll check.
*glances through the little window into the kitchen*.
Staff: Yes!
Shem: Great. Do you have tomatoes?
Staff: Um, yes.
Shem: Are you sure?
Staff: I’ll check.
*disappears behind a door, then promptly comes back*
Staff: No, sorry.
Shem: Ok, let’s forget the salad. Do you have chicken?
Staff: Yes.
Shem: Are you sure?
Staff: Yes.
Shem: Give me the chicken.
Staff: Do you want some starch – potatoes maybe?
Shem: I’m scared to ask whether you have it, just put whatever you have next to the chicken. But without a salad it won’t be enough, do you have Calamari?
Staff: Yes.
Shem: Are you sure, or do you need to check?
Staff: Yes I’m sure.
Shem: Ok, one portion of the grilled calamari. But are you sure it’s grilled?
Staff: Yes, all our calamari is grilled.
Shem: Great, thanks. I’d also like this white wine.
Staff: Yes, but we don’t have a corkscrew in the restaurant. I’ll have to call the bar.
Shem: Are you sure you don’t have a corkscrew.
Staff: Yes I’m sure, only the bar has the corkscrew.
Shem: But you have bottles of wine on display, why don’t you have a corkscrew?
Staff: Because only the bar has the corkscrew.
Shem: Ok, call the bar.
*barman enters*
Barman: Hello sir, that bottle you’re holding is warm, I can get you a cold one from the bar.
Shem: Fantastic, let’s go.
*I follow the barman to the bar and watch him inspect the fridge*
Barman: Sorry, it looks like we don’t have any wine.
Shem: Ok, can you go back to the restaurant and get the original wine, open it for me and bring to my room.
Barman: Yes Sir.
Shem: Thanks.
*Back at the room, knock, knock*
Barman: Your wine Sir.
Shem: Oh great, you can put it on that table.
Barman: Can I open it for you Sir?
Shem: Yes, please.
*lots of groaning and scraping noises*
Shem: Is there a problem?
Barman: The cork is difficult to get out and the corkscrew doesn’t work properly.
Shem: Looks like you’re making progress though; you’ve almost got through to the wine judging by the pieces of broken cork on the table. Actually, just leave it.
Barman: But it’s not open yet, how will you open the bottle sir?
Shem: When I’m ready to drink it I’ll push the cork into the bottle with my finger.
Barman: Should I get you another bottle of wine?
Shem: Do you have another corkscrew, one that works?
Barman: No, Sir.
Shem: Then I guess there’s no point in getting a new bottle.
Barman: Will there be anything else Sir?
*waiting for a tip*
Shem: Not today, have a good night.
*Few moments later, knock, knock*
Staff: Your room service order Sir.
Shem: Excellent, please put it down next to the wine.
Staff: Here is your chicken and your calamari.
Shem: But I ordered grilled calamari.
Staff: We didn’t have grilled calamari, only fried.
Shem: Was it fired before I ordered it?
Staff: *puzzled look*
Shem: Never mind, let me sign the bill.
*Waiting for a tip*
Shem: Have a good night.
*I close the door*